According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
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I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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