be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
