Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
