You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
