I wish i was in the wii world.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
