I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Couch. On fire.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
