Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
