He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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