im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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