Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
