You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
