The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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