I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
