my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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