hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
