i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
