You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
