Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
