dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
