Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
