Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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