i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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