Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
