yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
