I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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