i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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