I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
