Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
