I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
