So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
