Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
