Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
