This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
did i walk over a car last night?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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