if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
