Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
