Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Are we still banned from the library?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
