I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
