I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
