Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
