My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
