It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
