Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize