I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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