nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
