she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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