I CAN MOONWALK!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
