god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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