in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He has the fingertips of a God
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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