How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
