when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
