Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
