And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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