when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
