he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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