is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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