***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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