You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
