he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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