roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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