new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
