I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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