I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
