walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
