We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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